I will post Paris trip, as a separate blog, but I will most definitely blog about Paris.
For the moment I just want to use this blog as verbal diarrhea... that's what I normally do anyway.
General teenage angsty stuff... no, it doesn't go away when you turn 18. *facepalm*
Just generally angry at the world, for no particular reason, like I said 'general teenage angsty stuff''. It was much better when I pretended to have a reason, and wasn't aware of my own condition as a teenager though. Its probs PMS. I probably shouldn't blog about PMS... oh well, its done now. :/
Universities: Because that is the be all end all, is it not?
Oxford-Brookes... the course looks amazing, they don't ask for any performance qualifications, and if you want to for the performance bit, you can learn a new instrument... basically designed for people with non-traditional music backgrounds, I think. I don't so much have a 'non-traditional music background' as much as I'm just not up to scratch with performance, and get intense stage-fright. But, bottom-line, it sounds fun...
Drama is a fucking nightmare. Rehearsals non-stop... performance in four days... plus, performance is 'graded' as part of our course... yeah, I don't get it either. Probably dropping Drama at the end of this year.
Have a ton of work that I should be doing instead of being on here. But, its all stuff I like doing, so its all cool. (Yes, rubbing that in WAS necessary.)
On the other hand, I'll still be in school next year, which kind of sucks.
Oh, back to universities, naturally. Huge debate going through my head:
Small Campus VS Big City.
Big City has its downsides:
Numero 1: They're all good universities that probably won't accept me.
Numero 2: Big gay populations. Okay, let's face it, I'm alright being 'the only gay in the village' but being gay when I am surrounded by lots of other intimidating flamboyantly gay men and butch lesbians, me being gay is going to be a whole different kettle of fish. I just get this image of floods of gay people inviting me to gay bars where I might actually have to learn how interact with women. No, this is not say that I have never spoken to another female, its more that I've never spoken to a woman I don't know, trying desperately to impress, without the thought 'What on earth am I doing? She's straight.' going through my head. And, GOD FORBID (no pun intended) she might actually respond to my deseparate attempts to look cool and nonchalant in the positive. What the fuck do I do then? Yes, admittedly its a big gay deathly frightening world out there. (And in the midst of it all, is the Christian debate, the fight within myself: Is this right? But I'll not linger on that for long, since I do that enough on my own, and frankly I'm bored of myself doing it. I think my subconcious mind is waiting for my concious mind to get with the programme and accept myself, and my future relationships with other women. Although, if I'm typing this, it would appear that more than my subconcious mind is aware of this.)
Nirvana is the perfect soundtrack to my teenage angst. (I'm listening to Smells Like Teen Spirit.)
Big City has its upsides:
Numero 1: I'll get a good degree.
Numero 2: It would allow me to break out of my shell, and force me to let go of my comfort blanket... which, lets face it, I'm going to have to do at some point.
Small Campus has its downsides:
Numero 1: I won't necessarily get a good degree.
Numero 2: There could very well be NO gay people, because they all decided to go the city. As much as the idea of going to the city and being surrounded by butch lesbians, and flamboyant gay men scares me, I'm fed up of being 'the only gay in the village'. The whole concept lost its sell-by-date a looooooonnnnngggg time ago.
Numero 3: Ms. Coward (head of careers) said that if you like Giggleswick then a small campus would be perfect for you. I like Giggleswick but, if I'm honest, it doesn't half do my head in sometimes, and I need to get out. Hence, I go in to settle as much as possible. Thus, perhaps not...
Small Campus has its upsides:
Numero 1: I'll most definitely get accepted. I'm sort of in the really awkward inbetween area, where a really good university would probably say no to me but would be on the borderline of saying yes, but small campus universities would be delighted to have me and could well be thinking 'What are you doing here? You should be at Leeds, Nottingham, Liverpool, etc.' (Basicaly if that was mumbo-jumbo, you should be at a uni in a big city.)
Numero 2: It's small, and I think I'd fare better socially in a smaller university than a big one. Also, I'm not really one for big crowds and huge parties. Then again, I wonder if I'm thinking that because my mum would like to think that about me, even though she secretely knows its now true. BUT, then I think well not liking big crowds and huge parties doesn't mean not liking going out and drinking and all the rest of it. It doesn't mean I'm tee-total, it just means that the kind of parties I go to are at houses where we sit and have deep philosophical conversations whilst listening to a range of music (hopefully some form of METAL is involved) and commenting on that, the conversations making less and less sense as the night goes on, and I can't remember the rest...
So at the moment, that is the great debate: Small Campus VS Big City.
Oh, and I'm buying a bike... :D
signing off,
Geraldine McKavanagh
Song for the blog:
Land of Thousand Words - The Scissor Sisters:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUej6bBDhzw
It would appear that The Scissor Sisters are actually the perfect soundtrack to my teenage angst.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Term 2 - Blog 2
Okay... forget the whole week thing. :/
So... yeah, my update. I went to see the Chaplain. I gave in, because I just
thought what the hell, what's the worst that could happen? And frankly, even
the worst that could happen is inconsequential. He was quite open about it all.
He basically just said that he couldn't tell me what to think or do but that he asked
me to keep in mind two things while I was going through all this. 1. That I shouldn't
necessarily identify as lesbian. 2. That I should think about who I want to be my
Lord. I have no problems with the latter of those two, and to be honest I don't have
a problem with the first one either, but I respectfully disagree and have taken the
opposite position. I told this to my friend. It didn't go down very well with her and
there was a bit of drama in between, but she apologised and has now decided to keep
out of my personal matters. I'm liking the way this is going to be perfectly honest.
Been looking at Universities. Mr. Everhart suggest Oxford Brookes. I'm not so sure,
I think I can do better... But, we'll see.
OH, and we got given this careers talk by this business guy which I found completely
uninspiring. But there you go... he basically said that people with money are happier
than people without money, and that if you want to make money then you need to
move to Asia. It was all about money... And I was just sat there like 'You're missing
the point to life. I don't care about money.' In fact I was thinking about it, and I honestly
wouldn't have any huge issues taking a vow of poverty. Seeing the moral depravity of the
world we live in makes me want to go out and live in nature. Shed myself of every worldly
thing on this earth, get as close to physical pain and suffering as is humanly possible, and lose myself completely. (No, I am not thinking about taking a gap-year.) I suppose really, what I want to do is go on an adventure. Maybe after my music degree, and after this great adventure, maybe then I'd know what it is I am meant to do with my life. Aside from just live it, of course. Aside from just doing what I want to do, I'm waiting for some higher calling from someone.
Because of all the above, I keep searching for 'mountain-top experiences' in regards to my faith. I'll explain... basically I keep waiting for experiences of God that are so real to me I'm overwhelmed. I experience one or two here and there but as magnificent as they are, it all sort of comes to a head in the big gap in between them. But I'm fighting against that as best I can.
Oh and, I found something hilarious in my bible yesterday (trust me, you'll like this):
Ecclesiastes 7:13 - Consider the work of God, For who is able to straighten what He has bent?
Signing off,
Geraldine.
Song of the Blog:
Aerials - System of a Down:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSiTbkpbnUs
So... yeah, my update. I went to see the Chaplain. I gave in, because I just
thought what the hell, what's the worst that could happen? And frankly, even
the worst that could happen is inconsequential. He was quite open about it all.
He basically just said that he couldn't tell me what to think or do but that he asked
me to keep in mind two things while I was going through all this. 1. That I shouldn't
necessarily identify as lesbian. 2. That I should think about who I want to be my
Lord. I have no problems with the latter of those two, and to be honest I don't have
a problem with the first one either, but I respectfully disagree and have taken the
opposite position. I told this to my friend. It didn't go down very well with her and
there was a bit of drama in between, but she apologised and has now decided to keep
out of my personal matters. I'm liking the way this is going to be perfectly honest.
Been looking at Universities. Mr. Everhart suggest Oxford Brookes. I'm not so sure,
I think I can do better... But, we'll see.
OH, and we got given this careers talk by this business guy which I found completely
uninspiring. But there you go... he basically said that people with money are happier
than people without money, and that if you want to make money then you need to
move to Asia. It was all about money... And I was just sat there like 'You're missing
the point to life. I don't care about money.' In fact I was thinking about it, and I honestly
wouldn't have any huge issues taking a vow of poverty. Seeing the moral depravity of the
world we live in makes me want to go out and live in nature. Shed myself of every worldly
thing on this earth, get as close to physical pain and suffering as is humanly possible, and lose myself completely. (No, I am not thinking about taking a gap-year.) I suppose really, what I want to do is go on an adventure. Maybe after my music degree, and after this great adventure, maybe then I'd know what it is I am meant to do with my life. Aside from just live it, of course. Aside from just doing what I want to do, I'm waiting for some higher calling from someone.
Because of all the above, I keep searching for 'mountain-top experiences' in regards to my faith. I'll explain... basically I keep waiting for experiences of God that are so real to me I'm overwhelmed. I experience one or two here and there but as magnificent as they are, it all sort of comes to a head in the big gap in between them. But I'm fighting against that as best I can.
Oh and, I found something hilarious in my bible yesterday (trust me, you'll like this):
Ecclesiastes 7:13 - Consider the work of God, For who is able to straighten what He has bent?
Signing off,
Geraldine.
Song of the Blog:
Aerials - System of a Down:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSiTbkpbnUs
Friday, January 21, 2011
Term 2 - Week 1 + 1/2
Okay, the whole Week 1,2,3,4,5 whatever isn't going so well. :/
I just thought I would update because I've got a bit of free time, I should of course
be using that free time to get some work done, but I won't be able to blog this sunday
because I'll be having a pretty busy sunday and I have to call my parents somewhere
in between everything I've got going on.
Basically went to see the people in settle and it went well I think. I need to backtrack a little bit I think. My Christian friend Emily, has been trying to get me to go and see the school chaplain about my homosexuality 'issue'. Emily's very nice, she's just not sure what to think as a Christian. I was sort of feeling pushed towards having a conversation with her about it all, but it didn't turn out as I planned. I wound up telling her that I'd like a Christian perspective on homosexuality. In some sense I do, because I think I need to go through what the bible is with an open mind and figure out what I think/believe about it all at some stage. I don't have time while I'm at school right now though. I also feel that God is speaking to me in many ways in my life and what he is saying is 'you're ok'. (The concept of God speaking to me must be an interesting one for an atheist/agnostic. But there it is.) Anyway, I quickly realised that I said I'd go and speak to the Chaplain because there was something in me that thought he might have the 'cure' because I've never wanted to be gay. (Most people that know me know that, I think. That is why I incessantly insist that being gay is NOT a choice, because if it was I wouldn't be gay.) But something deep within me knew that whatever 'cure' he would give me wouldn't be a real cure, and I came to the revelation that was why I had wanted to talk to him in the first place. Not to get the 'Christian perspective' but in the hope he might have some magic cure. Anyway, I discussed Emily pushing me to go and talk to him with the people in settle, and a couple of days after talking to them came to this conclusion. And right before I came to this conclusion, because I realised I didn't actually want to go and talk to him, I told her as much. I might go in to more detail about my revelation with her, I might not. She's pretty open-minded, she's just not sure what to think in many ways. And that's ok. I think so many gay people forget what it's like to be in a place of 'not knowing what to think' that when they come in contact with someone who is homophobic in the literal sense of the word (scared of gays) they think that they're being attacked when they're not, that person just isn't in a place of being able to understand yet. I don't think she's homophobic in the literal sense of the word, she's not scared of talking about it with me, and like I said, she's quite open-minded. She's just unsure of how to approach it from a Christian point of view. Obviously, when you do meet someone who is literally homophobic, its quite easy to feel like you're being attacked, because in reality that person standing in front of you, is the person you used to be, whether you'd like to think that or not. I find myself being much more patient and able to understand such people because I realise they are exactly who I used to be but also that there are parts of them which still make up who I am. They're not so far disconnected with the person I am today, that I'm unable to see that in reality 'past me' is standing in front of me. If that makes sense...
We are studying Serialism in music. I don't like the music persay, but I'm quite enjoying the studying of it. It's really interesting. I won't explain it all on here (mainly because I don't understand it all, plus the rest of you would probably find it really boring). I'm definitely thinking music at University. MY TUTOR IS MR. EVERHART! One of my music teachers. I'm happy. :)
I start piano lessons next week. Should be fun. They are with my other music teacher, Mr. Arkel.
I'm going to be performing the song Wrapped in Your Arms by Fireflight in the school's next rock concert, I think. I might change, if my mum gets my guitar strings to me in time then I might do Closer to Fine by Indigo Girls, just me and my guitar. That would be sweet.
Been invited to join Schola Cantorum, the school's special choir which you join by invitation. We have a concert this weekend. AAAAAH!!! Hopefully, all will go well.
MY DRAMA PIECE!!! In Drama, we are doing the play The Trial by Steven Berkoff, which is a play adaption of the novel The Trial by Franz Kafka. Kafka wrote Metamorphosis just for some context. I got the role of 'Inspector'. I'm going to have fun with this, methinks. I have to do this massively ridiculous walk. I wasn't sure at first, to be honest, but I think it's going to be good. :)
Right well, that's all I can think of for now. :)
signing off,
Geraldine. M
Song for the Week + 1/2:
Prelude no. 15 - 'Raindrop' by Frederic Chopin.
Two things - yes, it's a classic piece (romantic technically). + I FIGURED OUT HOW TO PUT LINKS ON HERE! (just click on it and it well send you there OR right click + add new tab!)
I just thought I would update because I've got a bit of free time, I should of course
be using that free time to get some work done, but I won't be able to blog this sunday
because I'll be having a pretty busy sunday and I have to call my parents somewhere
in between everything I've got going on.
Basically went to see the people in settle and it went well I think. I need to backtrack a little bit I think. My Christian friend Emily, has been trying to get me to go and see the school chaplain about my homosexuality 'issue'. Emily's very nice, she's just not sure what to think as a Christian. I was sort of feeling pushed towards having a conversation with her about it all, but it didn't turn out as I planned. I wound up telling her that I'd like a Christian perspective on homosexuality. In some sense I do, because I think I need to go through what the bible is with an open mind and figure out what I think/believe about it all at some stage. I don't have time while I'm at school right now though. I also feel that God is speaking to me in many ways in my life and what he is saying is 'you're ok'. (The concept of God speaking to me must be an interesting one for an atheist/agnostic. But there it is.) Anyway, I quickly realised that I said I'd go and speak to the Chaplain because there was something in me that thought he might have the 'cure' because I've never wanted to be gay. (Most people that know me know that, I think. That is why I incessantly insist that being gay is NOT a choice, because if it was I wouldn't be gay.) But something deep within me knew that whatever 'cure' he would give me wouldn't be a real cure, and I came to the revelation that was why I had wanted to talk to him in the first place. Not to get the 'Christian perspective' but in the hope he might have some magic cure. Anyway, I discussed Emily pushing me to go and talk to him with the people in settle, and a couple of days after talking to them came to this conclusion. And right before I came to this conclusion, because I realised I didn't actually want to go and talk to him, I told her as much. I might go in to more detail about my revelation with her, I might not. She's pretty open-minded, she's just not sure what to think in many ways. And that's ok. I think so many gay people forget what it's like to be in a place of 'not knowing what to think' that when they come in contact with someone who is homophobic in the literal sense of the word (scared of gays) they think that they're being attacked when they're not, that person just isn't in a place of being able to understand yet. I don't think she's homophobic in the literal sense of the word, she's not scared of talking about it with me, and like I said, she's quite open-minded. She's just unsure of how to approach it from a Christian point of view. Obviously, when you do meet someone who is literally homophobic, its quite easy to feel like you're being attacked, because in reality that person standing in front of you, is the person you used to be, whether you'd like to think that or not. I find myself being much more patient and able to understand such people because I realise they are exactly who I used to be but also that there are parts of them which still make up who I am. They're not so far disconnected with the person I am today, that I'm unable to see that in reality 'past me' is standing in front of me. If that makes sense...
We are studying Serialism in music. I don't like the music persay, but I'm quite enjoying the studying of it. It's really interesting. I won't explain it all on here (mainly because I don't understand it all, plus the rest of you would probably find it really boring). I'm definitely thinking music at University. MY TUTOR IS MR. EVERHART! One of my music teachers. I'm happy. :)
I start piano lessons next week. Should be fun. They are with my other music teacher, Mr. Arkel.
I'm going to be performing the song Wrapped in Your Arms by Fireflight in the school's next rock concert, I think. I might change, if my mum gets my guitar strings to me in time then I might do Closer to Fine by Indigo Girls, just me and my guitar. That would be sweet.
Been invited to join Schola Cantorum, the school's special choir which you join by invitation. We have a concert this weekend. AAAAAH!!! Hopefully, all will go well.
MY DRAMA PIECE!!! In Drama, we are doing the play The Trial by Steven Berkoff, which is a play adaption of the novel The Trial by Franz Kafka. Kafka wrote Metamorphosis just for some context. I got the role of 'Inspector'. I'm going to have fun with this, methinks. I have to do this massively ridiculous walk. I wasn't sure at first, to be honest, but I think it's going to be good. :)
Right well, that's all I can think of for now. :)
signing off,
Geraldine. M
Song for the Week + 1/2:
Prelude no. 15 - 'Raindrop' by Frederic Chopin.
Two things - yes, it's a classic piece (romantic technically). + I FIGURED OUT HOW TO PUT LINKS ON HERE! (just click on it and it well send you there OR right click + add new tab!)
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