I will post Paris trip, as a separate blog, but I will most definitely blog about Paris.
For the moment I just want to use this blog as verbal diarrhea... that's what I normally do anyway.
General teenage angsty stuff... no, it doesn't go away when you turn 18. *facepalm*
Just generally angry at the world, for no particular reason, like I said 'general teenage angsty stuff''. It was much better when I pretended to have a reason, and wasn't aware of my own condition as a teenager though. Its probs PMS. I probably shouldn't blog about PMS... oh well, its done now. :/
Universities: Because that is the be all end all, is it not?
Oxford-Brookes... the course looks amazing, they don't ask for any performance qualifications, and if you want to for the performance bit, you can learn a new instrument... basically designed for people with non-traditional music backgrounds, I think. I don't so much have a 'non-traditional music background' as much as I'm just not up to scratch with performance, and get intense stage-fright. But, bottom-line, it sounds fun...
Drama is a fucking nightmare. Rehearsals non-stop... performance in four days... plus, performance is 'graded' as part of our course... yeah, I don't get it either. Probably dropping Drama at the end of this year.
Have a ton of work that I should be doing instead of being on here. But, its all stuff I like doing, so its all cool. (Yes, rubbing that in WAS necessary.)
On the other hand, I'll still be in school next year, which kind of sucks.
Oh, back to universities, naturally. Huge debate going through my head:
Small Campus VS Big City.
Big City has its downsides:
Numero 1: They're all good universities that probably won't accept me.
Numero 2: Big gay populations. Okay, let's face it, I'm alright being 'the only gay in the village' but being gay when I am surrounded by lots of other intimidating flamboyantly gay men and butch lesbians, me being gay is going to be a whole different kettle of fish. I just get this image of floods of gay people inviting me to gay bars where I might actually have to learn how interact with women. No, this is not say that I have never spoken to another female, its more that I've never spoken to a woman I don't know, trying desperately to impress, without the thought 'What on earth am I doing? She's straight.' going through my head. And, GOD FORBID (no pun intended) she might actually respond to my deseparate attempts to look cool and nonchalant in the positive. What the fuck do I do then? Yes, admittedly its a big gay deathly frightening world out there. (And in the midst of it all, is the Christian debate, the fight within myself: Is this right? But I'll not linger on that for long, since I do that enough on my own, and frankly I'm bored of myself doing it. I think my subconcious mind is waiting for my concious mind to get with the programme and accept myself, and my future relationships with other women. Although, if I'm typing this, it would appear that more than my subconcious mind is aware of this.)
Nirvana is the perfect soundtrack to my teenage angst. (I'm listening to Smells Like Teen Spirit.)
Big City has its upsides:
Numero 1: I'll get a good degree.
Numero 2: It would allow me to break out of my shell, and force me to let go of my comfort blanket... which, lets face it, I'm going to have to do at some point.
Small Campus has its downsides:
Numero 1: I won't necessarily get a good degree.
Numero 2: There could very well be NO gay people, because they all decided to go the city. As much as the idea of going to the city and being surrounded by butch lesbians, and flamboyant gay men scares me, I'm fed up of being 'the only gay in the village'. The whole concept lost its sell-by-date a looooooonnnnngggg time ago.
Numero 3: Ms. Coward (head of careers) said that if you like Giggleswick then a small campus would be perfect for you. I like Giggleswick but, if I'm honest, it doesn't half do my head in sometimes, and I need to get out. Hence, I go in to settle as much as possible. Thus, perhaps not...
Small Campus has its upsides:
Numero 1: I'll most definitely get accepted. I'm sort of in the really awkward inbetween area, where a really good university would probably say no to me but would be on the borderline of saying yes, but small campus universities would be delighted to have me and could well be thinking 'What are you doing here? You should be at Leeds, Nottingham, Liverpool, etc.' (Basicaly if that was mumbo-jumbo, you should be at a uni in a big city.)
Numero 2: It's small, and I think I'd fare better socially in a smaller university than a big one. Also, I'm not really one for big crowds and huge parties. Then again, I wonder if I'm thinking that because my mum would like to think that about me, even though she secretely knows its now true. BUT, then I think well not liking big crowds and huge parties doesn't mean not liking going out and drinking and all the rest of it. It doesn't mean I'm tee-total, it just means that the kind of parties I go to are at houses where we sit and have deep philosophical conversations whilst listening to a range of music (hopefully some form of METAL is involved) and commenting on that, the conversations making less and less sense as the night goes on, and I can't remember the rest...
So at the moment, that is the great debate: Small Campus VS Big City.
Oh, and I'm buying a bike... :D
signing off,
Geraldine McKavanagh
Song for the blog:
Land of Thousand Words - The Scissor Sisters:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUej6bBDhzw
It would appear that The Scissor Sisters are actually the perfect soundtrack to my teenage angst.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Term 2 - Blog 2
Okay... forget the whole week thing. :/
So... yeah, my update. I went to see the Chaplain. I gave in, because I just
thought what the hell, what's the worst that could happen? And frankly, even
the worst that could happen is inconsequential. He was quite open about it all.
He basically just said that he couldn't tell me what to think or do but that he asked
me to keep in mind two things while I was going through all this. 1. That I shouldn't
necessarily identify as lesbian. 2. That I should think about who I want to be my
Lord. I have no problems with the latter of those two, and to be honest I don't have
a problem with the first one either, but I respectfully disagree and have taken the
opposite position. I told this to my friend. It didn't go down very well with her and
there was a bit of drama in between, but she apologised and has now decided to keep
out of my personal matters. I'm liking the way this is going to be perfectly honest.
Been looking at Universities. Mr. Everhart suggest Oxford Brookes. I'm not so sure,
I think I can do better... But, we'll see.
OH, and we got given this careers talk by this business guy which I found completely
uninspiring. But there you go... he basically said that people with money are happier
than people without money, and that if you want to make money then you need to
move to Asia. It was all about money... And I was just sat there like 'You're missing
the point to life. I don't care about money.' In fact I was thinking about it, and I honestly
wouldn't have any huge issues taking a vow of poverty. Seeing the moral depravity of the
world we live in makes me want to go out and live in nature. Shed myself of every worldly
thing on this earth, get as close to physical pain and suffering as is humanly possible, and lose myself completely. (No, I am not thinking about taking a gap-year.) I suppose really, what I want to do is go on an adventure. Maybe after my music degree, and after this great adventure, maybe then I'd know what it is I am meant to do with my life. Aside from just live it, of course. Aside from just doing what I want to do, I'm waiting for some higher calling from someone.
Because of all the above, I keep searching for 'mountain-top experiences' in regards to my faith. I'll explain... basically I keep waiting for experiences of God that are so real to me I'm overwhelmed. I experience one or two here and there but as magnificent as they are, it all sort of comes to a head in the big gap in between them. But I'm fighting against that as best I can.
Oh and, I found something hilarious in my bible yesterday (trust me, you'll like this):
Ecclesiastes 7:13 - Consider the work of God, For who is able to straighten what He has bent?
Signing off,
Geraldine.
Song of the Blog:
Aerials - System of a Down:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSiTbkpbnUs
So... yeah, my update. I went to see the Chaplain. I gave in, because I just
thought what the hell, what's the worst that could happen? And frankly, even
the worst that could happen is inconsequential. He was quite open about it all.
He basically just said that he couldn't tell me what to think or do but that he asked
me to keep in mind two things while I was going through all this. 1. That I shouldn't
necessarily identify as lesbian. 2. That I should think about who I want to be my
Lord. I have no problems with the latter of those two, and to be honest I don't have
a problem with the first one either, but I respectfully disagree and have taken the
opposite position. I told this to my friend. It didn't go down very well with her and
there was a bit of drama in between, but she apologised and has now decided to keep
out of my personal matters. I'm liking the way this is going to be perfectly honest.
Been looking at Universities. Mr. Everhart suggest Oxford Brookes. I'm not so sure,
I think I can do better... But, we'll see.
OH, and we got given this careers talk by this business guy which I found completely
uninspiring. But there you go... he basically said that people with money are happier
than people without money, and that if you want to make money then you need to
move to Asia. It was all about money... And I was just sat there like 'You're missing
the point to life. I don't care about money.' In fact I was thinking about it, and I honestly
wouldn't have any huge issues taking a vow of poverty. Seeing the moral depravity of the
world we live in makes me want to go out and live in nature. Shed myself of every worldly
thing on this earth, get as close to physical pain and suffering as is humanly possible, and lose myself completely. (No, I am not thinking about taking a gap-year.) I suppose really, what I want to do is go on an adventure. Maybe after my music degree, and after this great adventure, maybe then I'd know what it is I am meant to do with my life. Aside from just live it, of course. Aside from just doing what I want to do, I'm waiting for some higher calling from someone.
Because of all the above, I keep searching for 'mountain-top experiences' in regards to my faith. I'll explain... basically I keep waiting for experiences of God that are so real to me I'm overwhelmed. I experience one or two here and there but as magnificent as they are, it all sort of comes to a head in the big gap in between them. But I'm fighting against that as best I can.
Oh and, I found something hilarious in my bible yesterday (trust me, you'll like this):
Ecclesiastes 7:13 - Consider the work of God, For who is able to straighten what He has bent?
Signing off,
Geraldine.
Song of the Blog:
Aerials - System of a Down:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSiTbkpbnUs
Friday, January 21, 2011
Term 2 - Week 1 + 1/2
Okay, the whole Week 1,2,3,4,5 whatever isn't going so well. :/
I just thought I would update because I've got a bit of free time, I should of course
be using that free time to get some work done, but I won't be able to blog this sunday
because I'll be having a pretty busy sunday and I have to call my parents somewhere
in between everything I've got going on.
Basically went to see the people in settle and it went well I think. I need to backtrack a little bit I think. My Christian friend Emily, has been trying to get me to go and see the school chaplain about my homosexuality 'issue'. Emily's very nice, she's just not sure what to think as a Christian. I was sort of feeling pushed towards having a conversation with her about it all, but it didn't turn out as I planned. I wound up telling her that I'd like a Christian perspective on homosexuality. In some sense I do, because I think I need to go through what the bible is with an open mind and figure out what I think/believe about it all at some stage. I don't have time while I'm at school right now though. I also feel that God is speaking to me in many ways in my life and what he is saying is 'you're ok'. (The concept of God speaking to me must be an interesting one for an atheist/agnostic. But there it is.) Anyway, I quickly realised that I said I'd go and speak to the Chaplain because there was something in me that thought he might have the 'cure' because I've never wanted to be gay. (Most people that know me know that, I think. That is why I incessantly insist that being gay is NOT a choice, because if it was I wouldn't be gay.) But something deep within me knew that whatever 'cure' he would give me wouldn't be a real cure, and I came to the revelation that was why I had wanted to talk to him in the first place. Not to get the 'Christian perspective' but in the hope he might have some magic cure. Anyway, I discussed Emily pushing me to go and talk to him with the people in settle, and a couple of days after talking to them came to this conclusion. And right before I came to this conclusion, because I realised I didn't actually want to go and talk to him, I told her as much. I might go in to more detail about my revelation with her, I might not. She's pretty open-minded, she's just not sure what to think in many ways. And that's ok. I think so many gay people forget what it's like to be in a place of 'not knowing what to think' that when they come in contact with someone who is homophobic in the literal sense of the word (scared of gays) they think that they're being attacked when they're not, that person just isn't in a place of being able to understand yet. I don't think she's homophobic in the literal sense of the word, she's not scared of talking about it with me, and like I said, she's quite open-minded. She's just unsure of how to approach it from a Christian point of view. Obviously, when you do meet someone who is literally homophobic, its quite easy to feel like you're being attacked, because in reality that person standing in front of you, is the person you used to be, whether you'd like to think that or not. I find myself being much more patient and able to understand such people because I realise they are exactly who I used to be but also that there are parts of them which still make up who I am. They're not so far disconnected with the person I am today, that I'm unable to see that in reality 'past me' is standing in front of me. If that makes sense...
We are studying Serialism in music. I don't like the music persay, but I'm quite enjoying the studying of it. It's really interesting. I won't explain it all on here (mainly because I don't understand it all, plus the rest of you would probably find it really boring). I'm definitely thinking music at University. MY TUTOR IS MR. EVERHART! One of my music teachers. I'm happy. :)
I start piano lessons next week. Should be fun. They are with my other music teacher, Mr. Arkel.
I'm going to be performing the song Wrapped in Your Arms by Fireflight in the school's next rock concert, I think. I might change, if my mum gets my guitar strings to me in time then I might do Closer to Fine by Indigo Girls, just me and my guitar. That would be sweet.
Been invited to join Schola Cantorum, the school's special choir which you join by invitation. We have a concert this weekend. AAAAAH!!! Hopefully, all will go well.
MY DRAMA PIECE!!! In Drama, we are doing the play The Trial by Steven Berkoff, which is a play adaption of the novel The Trial by Franz Kafka. Kafka wrote Metamorphosis just for some context. I got the role of 'Inspector'. I'm going to have fun with this, methinks. I have to do this massively ridiculous walk. I wasn't sure at first, to be honest, but I think it's going to be good. :)
Right well, that's all I can think of for now. :)
signing off,
Geraldine. M
Song for the Week + 1/2:
Prelude no. 15 - 'Raindrop' by Frederic Chopin.
Two things - yes, it's a classic piece (romantic technically). + I FIGURED OUT HOW TO PUT LINKS ON HERE! (just click on it and it well send you there OR right click + add new tab!)
I just thought I would update because I've got a bit of free time, I should of course
be using that free time to get some work done, but I won't be able to blog this sunday
because I'll be having a pretty busy sunday and I have to call my parents somewhere
in between everything I've got going on.
Basically went to see the people in settle and it went well I think. I need to backtrack a little bit I think. My Christian friend Emily, has been trying to get me to go and see the school chaplain about my homosexuality 'issue'. Emily's very nice, she's just not sure what to think as a Christian. I was sort of feeling pushed towards having a conversation with her about it all, but it didn't turn out as I planned. I wound up telling her that I'd like a Christian perspective on homosexuality. In some sense I do, because I think I need to go through what the bible is with an open mind and figure out what I think/believe about it all at some stage. I don't have time while I'm at school right now though. I also feel that God is speaking to me in many ways in my life and what he is saying is 'you're ok'. (The concept of God speaking to me must be an interesting one for an atheist/agnostic. But there it is.) Anyway, I quickly realised that I said I'd go and speak to the Chaplain because there was something in me that thought he might have the 'cure' because I've never wanted to be gay. (Most people that know me know that, I think. That is why I incessantly insist that being gay is NOT a choice, because if it was I wouldn't be gay.) But something deep within me knew that whatever 'cure' he would give me wouldn't be a real cure, and I came to the revelation that was why I had wanted to talk to him in the first place. Not to get the 'Christian perspective' but in the hope he might have some magic cure. Anyway, I discussed Emily pushing me to go and talk to him with the people in settle, and a couple of days after talking to them came to this conclusion. And right before I came to this conclusion, because I realised I didn't actually want to go and talk to him, I told her as much. I might go in to more detail about my revelation with her, I might not. She's pretty open-minded, she's just not sure what to think in many ways. And that's ok. I think so many gay people forget what it's like to be in a place of 'not knowing what to think' that when they come in contact with someone who is homophobic in the literal sense of the word (scared of gays) they think that they're being attacked when they're not, that person just isn't in a place of being able to understand yet. I don't think she's homophobic in the literal sense of the word, she's not scared of talking about it with me, and like I said, she's quite open-minded. She's just unsure of how to approach it from a Christian point of view. Obviously, when you do meet someone who is literally homophobic, its quite easy to feel like you're being attacked, because in reality that person standing in front of you, is the person you used to be, whether you'd like to think that or not. I find myself being much more patient and able to understand such people because I realise they are exactly who I used to be but also that there are parts of them which still make up who I am. They're not so far disconnected with the person I am today, that I'm unable to see that in reality 'past me' is standing in front of me. If that makes sense...
We are studying Serialism in music. I don't like the music persay, but I'm quite enjoying the studying of it. It's really interesting. I won't explain it all on here (mainly because I don't understand it all, plus the rest of you would probably find it really boring). I'm definitely thinking music at University. MY TUTOR IS MR. EVERHART! One of my music teachers. I'm happy. :)
I start piano lessons next week. Should be fun. They are with my other music teacher, Mr. Arkel.
I'm going to be performing the song Wrapped in Your Arms by Fireflight in the school's next rock concert, I think. I might change, if my mum gets my guitar strings to me in time then I might do Closer to Fine by Indigo Girls, just me and my guitar. That would be sweet.
Been invited to join Schola Cantorum, the school's special choir which you join by invitation. We have a concert this weekend. AAAAAH!!! Hopefully, all will go well.
MY DRAMA PIECE!!! In Drama, we are doing the play The Trial by Steven Berkoff, which is a play adaption of the novel The Trial by Franz Kafka. Kafka wrote Metamorphosis just for some context. I got the role of 'Inspector'. I'm going to have fun with this, methinks. I have to do this massively ridiculous walk. I wasn't sure at first, to be honest, but I think it's going to be good. :)
Right well, that's all I can think of for now. :)
signing off,
Geraldine. M
Song for the Week + 1/2:
Prelude no. 15 - 'Raindrop' by Frederic Chopin.
Two things - yes, it's a classic piece (romantic technically). + I FIGURED OUT HOW TO PUT LINKS ON HERE! (just click on it and it well send you there OR right click + add new tab!)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Week 12
I realise that this whole weekly blog thing is going a bit down the pan, and also that the rough estimates of the weeks are now, exactly that, rough estimates. But hey-ho, life goes on.
What's happening in my world? Well... I've been going to Oxygen recently and I'm starting to attempt to read the Book of Matthew. The idea is that I'll make my way round the entire New Testament at some point and when I've done that I'll read certain books in the Old Testament. Already read: Genesis, Peter, and parts of Matthew and Exodus. The Genesis and Exodus thing was when I attempted to read the bible, page to page... epic fail. Yeah, so I suppose this all warrants slight explanation but I don't really know where its going myself to be honest. I think I believe in God but I don't want to because not believing in God is a lot easier. This might all seem a bit sudden to you all in KL, hence pretending it isn't so is the easier way out. But that wouldn't be the right way even if it is the easier way. So, I basically think I'm at a point where I can probably call myself a Christian again. (In my defence, I did say this would happen. And it did.)
Which bring up the difficulties which I had before when I tried the whole gay-christian route. This idea of leading a double-life, and having a group of friends you are christian with and a group of friends you are gay with. So I'm doing my best to try and explain both sides to both groups of people. Trying to explain why the bible actually doesn't say anything about monogamous homosexual sex being immoral to my christian friends, and likewise on this blog right now explaining to you lot for whom I am your token-gay friend why I am christian again. I think I'm probably at least slightly insane, and probably have at least traces of a victim complex. Wanting to be a gay christian, madness. Probably what you are thinking, I would imagine. Well that's exactly what I'm thinking. But its who I am, I can't ignore this issue. I think one of the reasons I knew this would happen is because I knew that my atheism was rooted in anger against God for 1. raising me a Christian whilst simultaneously 2. creating me gay and then 3. leaving me to fend for myself against incredibly antagonistic christian fundamentalism that is rooted right at the centre of Christian media today. This relates to me personally because the way Christians are portrayed in the media is the reason why you're all wondering 'why on earth?'. Obviously the idea that my atheism was rooted in anger against God shows that it was somewhat flawed. To be angry at God, you sort of have to believe in him.
Onto much happier subjects: I am reading the book Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh. Its quite good but full of f and c words. Alice in Wonderland productions went really well in the end. I'm quite happy with my personal performance and there's not much I could really do about other people's performances. Having said that Wenesday was an amazing performance its just ashame all the other nights weren't somewhere closer to that kind of magnificence, then I would be really happy.
Monthly Assessment's happened again, for November:
English:
Mrs. Farmer - A
Mr. Giles - A
Drama:
Mr. Warburton - A
Ms. Lindley - A
Music:
Mr. Everhart - A
Mr. Arkel - B
History:
Ms. Hannah - B
Mrs. Coward - C
Mrs. Coward's C is understandable as I deserved it. I haven't completely turned history araound since my last MA. My last MA I got a D, which she gave me as a sort of kick up the ass. I haven't really done much to change that. I mean its been consistent and probably satisfactory, but that's what C means, isn't it? So no huge turn around. Next MA, it will be at least a B though. Plus, I don't really know where that B came from in Music. :/
I have to choose my tutor now, which is a bit confusing... I still don't know who to choose. I think I want to do music at University, I have a list of 3 people. Mrs. Farmer, she is a legend. Mr. Everhart, I really like Mr. Everhart and I can talk to him. Plus as he's my music teacher, and I'm thinking of music at University, that would be good. Then Mr. Bellis my housemaster said Ms. Rowles would be good as a tutor but then, I don't know I think she'd be good as someone to go to extra to tutor, but I like Ms. Rowles. So, therefore... but then I don't know, putting Mrs. Farmer first would be interesting because she can be quite intimidating, and I don't know whether she might be taken aback if I choose her as my tutor. I can't really lose by putting her as my tutor though. Plus, I like Mr. Everhart but I think he might be a bit lax and I don't want someone that will be lax, because I need that kick up the bum. Right, well there's that sorted then...
1. Mrs. Farmer
2. Mr. Everhart
3. Ms. Rowles.
Good. Good. Good.
signing out,
Geraldine M.
song for the week:
Wake Up and Smell the Coffee by The Cranberries.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGcHisWvmuo
I must admit, its not my usually happy stuff (which the music on here has generally been quite happy, methinks). Its a cracking song though.
What's happening in my world? Well... I've been going to Oxygen recently and I'm starting to attempt to read the Book of Matthew. The idea is that I'll make my way round the entire New Testament at some point and when I've done that I'll read certain books in the Old Testament. Already read: Genesis, Peter, and parts of Matthew and Exodus. The Genesis and Exodus thing was when I attempted to read the bible, page to page... epic fail. Yeah, so I suppose this all warrants slight explanation but I don't really know where its going myself to be honest. I think I believe in God but I don't want to because not believing in God is a lot easier. This might all seem a bit sudden to you all in KL, hence pretending it isn't so is the easier way out. But that wouldn't be the right way even if it is the easier way. So, I basically think I'm at a point where I can probably call myself a Christian again. (In my defence, I did say this would happen. And it did.)
Which bring up the difficulties which I had before when I tried the whole gay-christian route. This idea of leading a double-life, and having a group of friends you are christian with and a group of friends you are gay with. So I'm doing my best to try and explain both sides to both groups of people. Trying to explain why the bible actually doesn't say anything about monogamous homosexual sex being immoral to my christian friends, and likewise on this blog right now explaining to you lot for whom I am your token-gay friend why I am christian again. I think I'm probably at least slightly insane, and probably have at least traces of a victim complex. Wanting to be a gay christian, madness. Probably what you are thinking, I would imagine. Well that's exactly what I'm thinking. But its who I am, I can't ignore this issue. I think one of the reasons I knew this would happen is because I knew that my atheism was rooted in anger against God for 1. raising me a Christian whilst simultaneously 2. creating me gay and then 3. leaving me to fend for myself against incredibly antagonistic christian fundamentalism that is rooted right at the centre of Christian media today. This relates to me personally because the way Christians are portrayed in the media is the reason why you're all wondering 'why on earth?'. Obviously the idea that my atheism was rooted in anger against God shows that it was somewhat flawed. To be angry at God, you sort of have to believe in him.
Onto much happier subjects: I am reading the book Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh. Its quite good but full of f and c words. Alice in Wonderland productions went really well in the end. I'm quite happy with my personal performance and there's not much I could really do about other people's performances. Having said that Wenesday was an amazing performance its just ashame all the other nights weren't somewhere closer to that kind of magnificence, then I would be really happy.
Monthly Assessment's happened again, for November:
English:
Mrs. Farmer - A
Mr. Giles - A
Drama:
Mr. Warburton - A
Ms. Lindley - A
Music:
Mr. Everhart - A
Mr. Arkel - B
History:
Ms. Hannah - B
Mrs. Coward - C
Mrs. Coward's C is understandable as I deserved it. I haven't completely turned history araound since my last MA. My last MA I got a D, which she gave me as a sort of kick up the ass. I haven't really done much to change that. I mean its been consistent and probably satisfactory, but that's what C means, isn't it? So no huge turn around. Next MA, it will be at least a B though. Plus, I don't really know where that B came from in Music. :/
I have to choose my tutor now, which is a bit confusing... I still don't know who to choose. I think I want to do music at University, I have a list of 3 people. Mrs. Farmer, she is a legend. Mr. Everhart, I really like Mr. Everhart and I can talk to him. Plus as he's my music teacher, and I'm thinking of music at University, that would be good. Then Mr. Bellis my housemaster said Ms. Rowles would be good as a tutor but then, I don't know I think she'd be good as someone to go to extra to tutor, but I like Ms. Rowles. So, therefore... but then I don't know, putting Mrs. Farmer first would be interesting because she can be quite intimidating, and I don't know whether she might be taken aback if I choose her as my tutor. I can't really lose by putting her as my tutor though. Plus, I like Mr. Everhart but I think he might be a bit lax and I don't want someone that will be lax, because I need that kick up the bum. Right, well there's that sorted then...
1. Mrs. Farmer
2. Mr. Everhart
3. Ms. Rowles.
Good. Good. Good.
signing out,
Geraldine M.
song for the week:
Wake Up and Smell the Coffee by The Cranberries.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGcHisWvmuo
I must admit, its not my usually happy stuff (which the music on here has generally been quite happy, methinks). Its a cracking song though.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Week 6 - 11
Okay, so I know I haven't written for ages and I'm sorry, but I really need to write now, and this one will be good. Since I last wrote, a lot of things have happened that I've thrown myself into. School things: Set design for Equus, Alice in Wonderland, my composition for music. I've continued writing that play I had an idea for. The one with the two women, one of them is fighting for her life, and the other one wants to kill herself, and it all flips, the one who wants to kill herself has an affair and starts to love live, and the one fighting for her life gets fed up and wants to kill herself. Its turning out to be a self-reflexive cross between a naturalistic musical, an absurd play, and a pantomime. I'm not really sure where it's going. Anyway, right now I'm in the library and I'm going to go to the music school so I'm just going to save this and then continue...
The music school wasn't open, so I wound up back at the library again, but I had to go back to house to go and get earphones. Anyway, here I am again.
The best time to write about all this stuff, is when you're incredibly pissed off at everything and nothing, which is exactly how I feel right now for no apparent reason. post-ms maybe? I don't know... I hate thinking about that kind of stuff, it just serves to remind you that all your emotions are just chemical reactions in your brain, which sucks in some ways, because it trivialises everything, but in other ways is really great, because for basically any emotion you're feeling there's a drug that will stop you from feeling that way. On the surface, that sounds really great, but it isn't. That right there, that's mostly why I wanted to stop taking medication. It made me feel numb, and it made me dull, and it depressed me, waking up everyday having to take my goddamn fucking medication every fucking morning.
Post-rant and onto the fucking point:
Two things have pissed me off (ignoring the fact that anger is a chemical reaction):
1. Parent conferences were yesterday, my parents weren't there (that didn't annoy me), I decided to go around anyway, to see how I was doing. 2 things happened. My English teacher Mrs. Farmer basically told me to piss off and that she didn't want to see me because she had 'a parent' waiting. I smiled at her. At the time it didn't piss me off, because its typical Mrs. Farmer. She thinks that she's high and mighty, and that she's done something great. But she does all these things and I know, she goes away from all that feeling completely empty. Mr. Granzow used to do stuff (and probably still does for all I know) like that. The difference is Mr. Granzow never meant it. Mrs. Farmer does, or maybe not, I don't know her as well as I got to know Mr. Granzow, but I probably will. Anyway... what actually annoyed me about parent-conferences, Ms. Coward, who gave me a D last monthly assesment, told me if I kept going the way I was going I'd get a U (unqualified, basically an F but worse). Initially that didn't annoy me either. I smiled at her. I think that pissed her off a little bit actually, it sort of looked like I don't care. I'm angry because I'm not reacting to it. Its not that I don't care. It just hasn't made me panic in any big way like it normally would. I'm a little bit frightened that if I don't react to it I won't change and that will happen. Where will I be if at the end of these next two years if I don't get into uni and my life is a complete mess? Essentially, where I would be if I'd stayed at ISKL. I can't help thinking that it's basically my destiny to fail. Perhaps thats a bit melodramatic, but there it is. Anyway, my plan was to take what Ms. Coward was saying with a pinch of salt and just fucking do it. Get on with it, and do better than I am doing. But my brain just switches off in her class because I'm bored, and my brain just switches off doing her homework because I'm bored. My brain sort of half-switches off in my other history class too, but the half that's there that's still working is sufficient enough that I can cope with what Ms. Hannah saying, process it, and produce homework that is half-way decent. But, even when I am sat in their classes with either half or my entire brain switched off, I seem to have moments of brilliance during discussions which show them that I'm highly capable and incredibly intelligent (their words, not mine). Its too late now to act stupid, but that's not the ponit. The point is that I'm thinking like that at all shows a major personality flaw that I can't seem to get rid off. An eye for short-term goals rather than long-term goals in my actions, but in my thoughts a complete obssessiveness over long-term goals or something to that effect. But then, that's not even true either. I try not to think about the future because it scares me, but I act (in all my other subjects, and in everything else thats happened at Gig so far) with long-term goals in mind. Like the fact that I want to go to uni even if I have no fucking clue what I want to do. At the moment, I can't help but feel like this is all pointless anyway, because no matter how 'successful' I am, I'll wind up feeling completely empty inside anyway. It doesn't help that my parents can't make their minds up over where they want my life to go. They have such a huge influence over me, undeniably, and my entire life is the big question, and they don't know, but they're disappointed when I make my mind up, as I have done many times, and they say things like 'you're more intelligent than that'. I can't please them, yet that's basically all I'm striving to do. All the time, is make them happy, maybe because deep down, I know I can't. I'll never live up to their expectations because my life is set for a whole different course of actions now, undefined by any role-models or guidelines because there aren't any. I get to live my life however I want now, I'm not tied down to society. But that's just it, isn't it? That's what they want, and all I want is for them to be happy with me because I know I'll never be happy. But the one thing they want, I can't change.
2. I can't remember what the 2nd thing was. Oh, now I remember... This one's got quite a lot of background to it though, so I'm going to have to go through all that first. My friend, Becky, one monday, was going to Oxygen, a Christian union, and asked me if I would like to come. I did. It was alright, I suppose... I was talking to the people in Settle I've been seeing for an ADD assessment, and we talked about everything, my entire history. My conflict with my sexuality and my previous faith. I forgot to tell them that my 'previous faith' was previous, and they assumed I was still Catholic. I let them continue to believe that was true. I started thinking about religion and God and my life thus far and came to the conclusion that my atheist beliefs may just be what they are because of my sexuality, and that would be a horrific reason to be an atheist. So, I went to Oxygen again, and I'm going next week, to explore this idea. (I told you this would happen... just saying, I did tell you it would happen.) So we were talking about it all, me and my other friend, Emily, and Emily told me, very kindly, that being gay wasn't a real thing, that God intended for us to be straight, and that I couldn't be Christian and gay. I'm not annoyed that she has these opinions, I knew she had them before the words even came out of her mouth. I just don't understand why she had to voice them. I have many opinions that I know would upset her and piss her off intensely but I don't voice them infront of her, because I know that would cause tension.
Last and final thing I want to say is that I went to the people in Settle, who are assessing me for ADD and they don't think I have ADD. Which I haven't reacted to... I think my general response to everything is either apathy or anger at the moment. I do think, however, that they think I have some sort of HFA (Higher-Functioning Autism), because they kept asking me about my interactions with people, my obssessions with certain things, like Harry Potter, and Batman, etc. and my musical ability and whether or not I am musically 'gifted'. So all these things to me, point to some sort of HFA, but they haven't said as much.
That's my rant for the week. :) Glad you enjoyed it, presume that you did.
Geraldine McKavanagh
Song for the Week(s):
Least Complicated by Indigo Girls (I know I've already had a song by them, but I like this song.):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gMAsej7M9Q
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Week 5
It honestly feels like two seconds since I last wrote on this blog. Obviously it isn't. But that's what it feels like.
I got in trouble with a teacher, which wasn't good. Basically I turned up to History with Ms. Coward (Henry VIII and the Reformation) without my presentation for history done. She gave the class this lecture about turning up with homework not done and said that she didn't give Lower Sixth's detention but if she felt that we were letting the group down when it came to presentations that she would give Lower Sixth's detention but she said that until tomorrow she was going to give us an 'amnesty period' as she called it. Which is all fair enough. It was a wake up call though. I then went into complete hyper-focus that night working on the presentation for two and half hours straight.
Hyper-focus, by the way, for readers (AKA: Linden) that don't know, is a sympton of ADD/ADHD. Basically its the ability to focus one thing, which you have a high level of interest in, for long periods of time but with a complete disregard for everything else, such as other homework, homework in general, or relationship and sometimes even hygeine. Hyper-focus can be used in a very positive way, such as when I used it in order to finish my History homework.
I am looking at trying to figure out how I can deal without being on medication and that is one of the things which I am looking at utilising. That and I've realised that when I don't hear something in class, I need to ask the teacher what they just said even if it makes me look like a complete idiot because she/he just said it and everyone else heard. So I'm working on that too. I think I'll probably have to inform my teachers that I have an attention deficit because at the moment they don't know and when it affects my attention or homework or when I say something incredibly socially awkward, the teachers don't know that these are all symptoms of my attention deficit. I also need to explain to them that I will try to work on all of these things but for now a bit of leeway would be incredibly helpful. BUT, at the same time I don't want to wind up blaming everything on ADD because that would be a lie.
I'm thinking I want to become a music teacher. Music is my favourite class at the moment, and when I thought about it, I realised 'It's been staring me in the face this whole time.' That would mean doing a Music degree and then doing teacher training after that. I really like the idea at the moment, but you know me and careers, I get an idea in my head and I really like it for about a month or two, and then I think of something else and I move onto that. When it comes to sending in applications for universities, Ms. Coward (who is also head of careers) is going to have a hard time with me.
I don't know if I've told any of you this, but I get to have a tutor in Giggleswick and I have to choose who I want to be my tutor. At the moment I am thinking about 4 people. Mrs. Farmer, one of my English teachers, I was really keen on choosing her to be my tutor when I was certain that I wanted to do English at university, but now that I'm not sure, I don't really want her to be my tutor anymore. I'm really glad she's my English teacher, but she has a bit of an abrasive personality. On the other hand, she could be what I need to keep me in line with work, but as I say, I'm not sure yet. The other 3 people I want to be my tutors are Mr. Everhart, one of my music teachers. I'm fairly sure he has an attention deficit which I could use to my advantage, in that he'd understand where I was coming from with all of the symptoms,where someone without ADD wouldn't. Ms. Lindley, one of my Drama teachers, but I'm not sure she would accept now to be honest... (I'll take more with you about that privately Linden.) Ms. Coward, because she really gave me a wake-up call in class the other day, and I really appreciate it. Plus, I just generally think she's a nice person. And, not saying this is a reason (IT IS), but having the head of careers be your tutor can be very useful. Tutors help you with university stuff and that would come in handy. It's not a reason (IT IS), but it would be a really nice perk that would come with having her as a tutor (BAHAHAHAHAHAHA, ITS THE MAIN REASON, DON'T LISTEN TO HER).
Pardon the schizophrenic moment there...
Anyway, I think I'm done babbling now.
Signing out,
Geraldine M.
Song for the Week (YAY!) :
I got in trouble with a teacher, which wasn't good. Basically I turned up to History with Ms. Coward (Henry VIII and the Reformation) without my presentation for history done. She gave the class this lecture about turning up with homework not done and said that she didn't give Lower Sixth's detention but if she felt that we were letting the group down when it came to presentations that she would give Lower Sixth's detention but she said that until tomorrow she was going to give us an 'amnesty period' as she called it. Which is all fair enough. It was a wake up call though. I then went into complete hyper-focus that night working on the presentation for two and half hours straight.
Hyper-focus, by the way, for readers (AKA: Linden) that don't know, is a sympton of ADD/ADHD. Basically its the ability to focus one thing, which you have a high level of interest in, for long periods of time but with a complete disregard for everything else, such as other homework, homework in general, or relationship and sometimes even hygeine. Hyper-focus can be used in a very positive way, such as when I used it in order to finish my History homework.
I am looking at trying to figure out how I can deal without being on medication and that is one of the things which I am looking at utilising. That and I've realised that when I don't hear something in class, I need to ask the teacher what they just said even if it makes me look like a complete idiot because she/he just said it and everyone else heard. So I'm working on that too. I think I'll probably have to inform my teachers that I have an attention deficit because at the moment they don't know and when it affects my attention or homework or when I say something incredibly socially awkward, the teachers don't know that these are all symptoms of my attention deficit. I also need to explain to them that I will try to work on all of these things but for now a bit of leeway would be incredibly helpful. BUT, at the same time I don't want to wind up blaming everything on ADD because that would be a lie.
I'm thinking I want to become a music teacher. Music is my favourite class at the moment, and when I thought about it, I realised 'It's been staring me in the face this whole time.' That would mean doing a Music degree and then doing teacher training after that. I really like the idea at the moment, but you know me and careers, I get an idea in my head and I really like it for about a month or two, and then I think of something else and I move onto that. When it comes to sending in applications for universities, Ms. Coward (who is also head of careers) is going to have a hard time with me.
I don't know if I've told any of you this, but I get to have a tutor in Giggleswick and I have to choose who I want to be my tutor. At the moment I am thinking about 4 people. Mrs. Farmer, one of my English teachers, I was really keen on choosing her to be my tutor when I was certain that I wanted to do English at university, but now that I'm not sure, I don't really want her to be my tutor anymore. I'm really glad she's my English teacher, but she has a bit of an abrasive personality. On the other hand, she could be what I need to keep me in line with work, but as I say, I'm not sure yet. The other 3 people I want to be my tutors are Mr. Everhart, one of my music teachers. I'm fairly sure he has an attention deficit which I could use to my advantage, in that he'd understand where I was coming from with all of the symptoms,where someone without ADD wouldn't. Ms. Lindley, one of my Drama teachers, but I'm not sure she would accept now to be honest... (I'll take more with you about that privately Linden.) Ms. Coward, because she really gave me a wake-up call in class the other day, and I really appreciate it. Plus, I just generally think she's a nice person. And, not saying this is a reason (IT IS), but having the head of careers be your tutor can be very useful. Tutors help you with university stuff and that would come in handy. It's not a reason (IT IS), but it would be a really nice perk that would come with having her as a tutor (BAHAHAHAHAHAHA, ITS THE MAIN REASON, DON'T LISTEN TO HER).
Pardon the schizophrenic moment there...
Anyway, I think I'm done babbling now.
Signing out,
Geraldine M.
Song for the Week (YAY!) :
I think, I love by Jamie Cullum
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1sVAJtL42c
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Weeks 1 - 4 (My first month)
Firstly, I think an apology is in order for having neglected to post anything for the last 4 weeks.
I have some good news, so I'm going to start with that. 2 teachers for each subject, as you know, or if you didn't you do now. Each teacher teaches a different unit related to that subject. This week we had MA's basically Monthly Assessments and we got our grades. They won't count or anything they just let us know how we're doing. In fact, the only grades that count are the ones we get for our Exams combined with coursework (a little bit like IAs with IB, but easier). So my MA's, and this is the good news, are the following:
Drama:
Mr. Warbuton - A
Ms. Lindley - A
Music:
Mr. Everhart - A
Mr. Arkel - A
History:
Ms. Hannah - A
Ms. Coward - B
English:
Mr. Giles - B
Mrs. Farmer - B
The English part isn't so great really, in fact, it makes me wonder if I should be doing something more drama-ey/music-ey at university. There's no way I'd do History at university, of course, but its good to know that I'm doing well in History.
So the last 4 weeks... well the first week felt like a month, in and of itself. Time for the last 4 weeks has certainly been playing tricks on me. Some days feel much longer than they should and you sit and remembering what happened this morning, wonder if it really happened this morning or if it happened yesterday. The major thing I forgot was the fact that with my friends in KL, I did actually have to work at it before they were my friends. People that don't know me here, so I have to work at being their friend too. I'm doing all this off-medication as well. Week 2/3 I sort of had a little emotional breakdown because of the stress of it all but I'm okay now. I'm incredibly surprised that I was able to get what I got in my MA's off-medication frankly, but I'm happy it happened.
Been singing a lot the past 4 weeks. Gone through 'Always true to you in my Fashion' and 'So in Love' with my singing teacher. Singing lessons are going great. Plus at the moment, I'm learning the song 'Somewhere that's Green' from the musical Little Shop of Horrors, and a religious christmas song for christmas. Chapel choir is fine, its just singing church music which isn't so bad actually. For example we're doing For the Beauty of the Earth which I did with Granzow in ISKL. However, there aren't enough altos, so I'm in the alto section at the moment. I'm also in Concert Choir, and we're doing the exact same Wicked medley that Concert Choir in ISKL did for Song and Dance. Small world. Speaking of which, my history teacher (Ms. Hannah not Ms. Coward) knows the drama teacher at GIS, who I met when I went on that lighting course at KLPAC. Really small world.
I have a crush on a teacher... such is life, and my ongoing oedipus complex.
JUST KIDDING MUM!
I'm not publicly posting who on the internet, but if you are my teacher and you are reading this: it's not you. :)
signing out,
Geraldine McKavanagh
Song for this Month (sorry):
Closer to Fine by The Indigo Girls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o27ugtK3i4w
I have some good news, so I'm going to start with that. 2 teachers for each subject, as you know, or if you didn't you do now. Each teacher teaches a different unit related to that subject. This week we had MA's basically Monthly Assessments and we got our grades. They won't count or anything they just let us know how we're doing. In fact, the only grades that count are the ones we get for our Exams combined with coursework (a little bit like IAs with IB, but easier). So my MA's, and this is the good news, are the following:
Drama:
Mr. Warbuton - A
Ms. Lindley - A
Music:
Mr. Everhart - A
Mr. Arkel - A
History:
Ms. Hannah - A
Ms. Coward - B
English:
Mr. Giles - B
Mrs. Farmer - B
The English part isn't so great really, in fact, it makes me wonder if I should be doing something more drama-ey/music-ey at university. There's no way I'd do History at university, of course, but its good to know that I'm doing well in History.
So the last 4 weeks... well the first week felt like a month, in and of itself. Time for the last 4 weeks has certainly been playing tricks on me. Some days feel much longer than they should and you sit and remembering what happened this morning, wonder if it really happened this morning or if it happened yesterday. The major thing I forgot was the fact that with my friends in KL, I did actually have to work at it before they were my friends. People that don't know me here, so I have to work at being their friend too. I'm doing all this off-medication as well. Week 2/3 I sort of had a little emotional breakdown because of the stress of it all but I'm okay now. I'm incredibly surprised that I was able to get what I got in my MA's off-medication frankly, but I'm happy it happened.
Been singing a lot the past 4 weeks. Gone through 'Always true to you in my Fashion' and 'So in Love' with my singing teacher. Singing lessons are going great. Plus at the moment, I'm learning the song 'Somewhere that's Green' from the musical Little Shop of Horrors, and a religious christmas song for christmas. Chapel choir is fine, its just singing church music which isn't so bad actually. For example we're doing For the Beauty of the Earth which I did with Granzow in ISKL. However, there aren't enough altos, so I'm in the alto section at the moment. I'm also in Concert Choir, and we're doing the exact same Wicked medley that Concert Choir in ISKL did for Song and Dance. Small world. Speaking of which, my history teacher (Ms. Hannah not Ms. Coward) knows the drama teacher at GIS, who I met when I went on that lighting course at KLPAC. Really small world.
I have a crush on a teacher... such is life, and my ongoing oedipus complex.
JUST KIDDING MUM!
I'm not publicly posting who on the internet, but if you are my teacher and you are reading this: it's not you. :)
signing out,
Geraldine McKavanagh
Song for this Month (sorry):
Closer to Fine by The Indigo Girls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o27ugtK3i4w
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