I will post Paris trip, as a separate blog, but I will most definitely blog about Paris.
For the moment I just want to use this blog as verbal diarrhea... that's what I normally do anyway.
General teenage angsty stuff... no, it doesn't go away when you turn 18. *facepalm*
Just generally angry at the world, for no particular reason, like I said 'general teenage angsty stuff''. It was much better when I pretended to have a reason, and wasn't aware of my own condition as a teenager though. Its probs PMS. I probably shouldn't blog about PMS... oh well, its done now. :/
Universities: Because that is the be all end all, is it not?
Oxford-Brookes... the course looks amazing, they don't ask for any performance qualifications, and if you want to for the performance bit, you can learn a new instrument... basically designed for people with non-traditional music backgrounds, I think. I don't so much have a 'non-traditional music background' as much as I'm just not up to scratch with performance, and get intense stage-fright. But, bottom-line, it sounds fun...
Drama is a fucking nightmare. Rehearsals non-stop... performance in four days... plus, performance is 'graded' as part of our course... yeah, I don't get it either. Probably dropping Drama at the end of this year.
Have a ton of work that I should be doing instead of being on here. But, its all stuff I like doing, so its all cool. (Yes, rubbing that in WAS necessary.)
On the other hand, I'll still be in school next year, which kind of sucks.
Oh, back to universities, naturally. Huge debate going through my head:
Small Campus VS Big City.
Big City has its downsides:
Numero 1: They're all good universities that probably won't accept me.
Numero 2: Big gay populations. Okay, let's face it, I'm alright being 'the only gay in the village' but being gay when I am surrounded by lots of other intimidating flamboyantly gay men and butch lesbians, me being gay is going to be a whole different kettle of fish. I just get this image of floods of gay people inviting me to gay bars where I might actually have to learn how interact with women. No, this is not say that I have never spoken to another female, its more that I've never spoken to a woman I don't know, trying desperately to impress, without the thought 'What on earth am I doing? She's straight.' going through my head. And, GOD FORBID (no pun intended) she might actually respond to my deseparate attempts to look cool and nonchalant in the positive. What the fuck do I do then? Yes, admittedly its a big gay deathly frightening world out there. (And in the midst of it all, is the Christian debate, the fight within myself: Is this right? But I'll not linger on that for long, since I do that enough on my own, and frankly I'm bored of myself doing it. I think my subconcious mind is waiting for my concious mind to get with the programme and accept myself, and my future relationships with other women. Although, if I'm typing this, it would appear that more than my subconcious mind is aware of this.)
Nirvana is the perfect soundtrack to my teenage angst. (I'm listening to Smells Like Teen Spirit.)
Big City has its upsides:
Numero 1: I'll get a good degree.
Numero 2: It would allow me to break out of my shell, and force me to let go of my comfort blanket... which, lets face it, I'm going to have to do at some point.
Small Campus has its downsides:
Numero 1: I won't necessarily get a good degree.
Numero 2: There could very well be NO gay people, because they all decided to go the city. As much as the idea of going to the city and being surrounded by butch lesbians, and flamboyant gay men scares me, I'm fed up of being 'the only gay in the village'. The whole concept lost its sell-by-date a looooooonnnnngggg time ago.
Numero 3: Ms. Coward (head of careers) said that if you like Giggleswick then a small campus would be perfect for you. I like Giggleswick but, if I'm honest, it doesn't half do my head in sometimes, and I need to get out. Hence, I go in to settle as much as possible. Thus, perhaps not...
Small Campus has its upsides:
Numero 1: I'll most definitely get accepted. I'm sort of in the really awkward inbetween area, where a really good university would probably say no to me but would be on the borderline of saying yes, but small campus universities would be delighted to have me and could well be thinking 'What are you doing here? You should be at Leeds, Nottingham, Liverpool, etc.' (Basicaly if that was mumbo-jumbo, you should be at a uni in a big city.)
Numero 2: It's small, and I think I'd fare better socially in a smaller university than a big one. Also, I'm not really one for big crowds and huge parties. Then again, I wonder if I'm thinking that because my mum would like to think that about me, even though she secretely knows its now true. BUT, then I think well not liking big crowds and huge parties doesn't mean not liking going out and drinking and all the rest of it. It doesn't mean I'm tee-total, it just means that the kind of parties I go to are at houses where we sit and have deep philosophical conversations whilst listening to a range of music (hopefully some form of METAL is involved) and commenting on that, the conversations making less and less sense as the night goes on, and I can't remember the rest...
So at the moment, that is the great debate: Small Campus VS Big City.
Oh, and I'm buying a bike... :D
signing off,
Geraldine McKavanagh
Song for the blog:
Land of Thousand Words - The Scissor Sisters:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUej6bBDhzw
It would appear that The Scissor Sisters are actually the perfect soundtrack to my teenage angst.
No comments:
Post a Comment