Week 12

I realise that this whole weekly blog thing is going a bit down the pan, and also that the rough estimates of the weeks are now, exactly that, rough estimates. But hey-ho, life goes on.

What's happening in my world? Well... I've been going to Oxygen recently and I'm starting to attempt to read the Book of Matthew. The idea is that I'll make my way round the entire New Testament at some point and when I've done that I'll read certain books in the Old Testament. Already read: Genesis, Peter, and parts of Matthew and Exodus. The Genesis and Exodus thing was when I attempted to read the bible, page to page... epic fail. Yeah, so I suppose this all warrants slight explanation but I don't really know where its going myself to be honest. I think I believe in God but I don't want to because not believing in God is a lot easier. This might all seem a bit sudden to you all in KL, hence pretending it isn't so is the easier way out. But that wouldn't be the right way even if it is the easier way. So, I basically think I'm at a point where I can probably call myself a Christian again. (In my defence, I did say this would happen. And it did.)

Which bring up the difficulties which I had before when I tried the whole gay-christian route. This idea of leading a double-life, and having a group of friends you are christian with and a group of friends you are gay with. So I'm doing my best to try and explain both sides to both groups of people. Trying to explain why the bible actually doesn't say anything about monogamous homosexual sex being immoral to my christian friends, and likewise on this blog right now explaining to you lot for whom I am your token-gay friend why I am christian again. I think I'm probably at least slightly insane, and probably have at least traces of a victim complex. Wanting to be a gay christian, madness. Probably what you are thinking, I would imagine. Well that's exactly what I'm thinking. But its who I am, I can't ignore this issue. I think one of the reasons I knew this would happen is because I knew that my atheism was rooted in anger against God for 1. raising me a Christian whilst simultaneously 2. creating me gay and then 3. leaving me to fend for myself against incredibly antagonistic christian fundamentalism that is rooted right at the centre of Christian media today. This relates to me personally because the way Christians are portrayed in the media is the reason why you're all wondering 'why on earth?'. Obviously the idea that my atheism was rooted in anger against God shows that it was somewhat flawed. To be angry at God, you sort of have to believe in him.

Onto much happier subjects: I am reading the book Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh. Its quite good but full of f and c words. Alice in Wonderland productions went really well in the end. I'm quite happy with my personal performance and there's not much I could really do about other people's performances. Having said that Wenesday was an amazing performance its just ashame all the other nights weren't somewhere closer to that kind of magnificence, then I would be really happy.

Monthly Assessment's happened again, for November:

English:
Mrs. Farmer - A
Mr. Giles - A
Drama:
Mr. Warburton - A
Ms. Lindley - A
Music:
Mr. Everhart - A
Mr. Arkel - B
History:
Ms. Hannah - B
Mrs. Coward - C

Mrs. Coward's C is understandable as I deserved it. I haven't completely turned history araound since my last MA. My last MA I got a D, which she gave me as a sort of kick up the ass. I haven't really done much to change that. I mean its been consistent and probably satisfactory, but that's what C means, isn't it? So no huge turn around. Next MA, it will be at least a B though. Plus, I don't really know where that B came from in Music. :/

I have to choose my tutor now, which is a bit confusing... I still don't know who to choose. I think I want to do music at University, I have a list of 3 people. Mrs. Farmer, she is a legend. Mr. Everhart, I really like Mr. Everhart and I can talk to him. Plus as he's my music teacher, and I'm thinking of music at University, that would be good. Then Mr. Bellis my housemaster said Ms. Rowles would be good as a tutor but then, I don't know I think she'd be good as someone to go to extra to tutor, but I like Ms. Rowles. So, therefore... but then I don't know, putting Mrs. Farmer first would be interesting because she can be quite intimidating, and I don't know whether she might be taken aback if I choose her as my tutor. I can't really lose by putting her as my tutor though. Plus, I like Mr. Everhart but I think he might be a bit lax and I don't want someone that will be lax, because I need that kick up the bum. Right, well there's that sorted then...
1. Mrs. Farmer
2. Mr. Everhart
3. Ms. Rowles.

Good. Good. Good.

signing out,

Geraldine M.

song for the week:

Wake Up and Smell the Coffee by The Cranberries.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGcHisWvmuo

I must admit, its not my usually happy stuff (which the music on here has generally been quite happy, methinks). Its a cracking song though.

Week 6 - 11

Okay, so I know I haven't written for ages and I'm sorry, but I really need to write now, and this one will be good. Since I last wrote, a lot of things have happened that I've thrown myself into. School things: Set design for Equus, Alice in Wonderland, my composition for music. I've continued writing that play I had an idea for. The one with the two women, one of them is fighting for her life, and the other one wants to kill herself, and it all flips, the one who wants to kill herself has an affair and starts to love live, and the one fighting for her life gets fed up and wants to kill herself. Its turning out to be a self-reflexive cross between a naturalistic musical, an absurd play, and a pantomime. I'm not really sure where it's going. Anyway, right now I'm in the library and I'm going to go to the music school so I'm just going to save this and then continue...

The music school wasn't open, so I wound up back at the library again, but I had to go back to house to go and get earphones. Anyway, here I am again.

The best time to write about all this stuff, is when you're incredibly pissed off at everything and nothing, which is exactly how I feel right now for no apparent reason. post-ms maybe? I don't know... I hate thinking about that kind of stuff, it just serves to remind you that all your emotions are just chemical reactions in your brain, which sucks in some ways, because it trivialises everything, but in other ways is really great, because for basically any emotion you're feeling there's a drug that will stop you from feeling that way. On the surface, that sounds really great, but it isn't. That right there, that's mostly why I wanted to stop taking medication. It made me feel numb, and it made me dull, and it depressed me, waking up everyday having to take my goddamn fucking medication every fucking morning.

Post-rant and onto the fucking point:

Two things have pissed me off (ignoring the fact that anger is a chemical reaction):

1. Parent conferences were yesterday, my parents weren't there (that didn't annoy me), I decided to go around anyway, to see how I was doing. 2 things happened. My English teacher Mrs. Farmer basically told me to piss off and that she didn't want to see me because she had 'a parent' waiting. I smiled at her. At the time it didn't piss me off, because its typical Mrs. Farmer. She thinks that she's high and mighty, and that she's done something great. But she does all these things and I know, she goes away from all that feeling completely empty. Mr. Granzow used to do stuff (and probably still does for all I know) like that. The difference is Mr. Granzow never meant it. Mrs. Farmer does, or maybe not, I don't know her as well as I got to know Mr. Granzow, but I probably will. Anyway... what actually annoyed me about parent-conferences, Ms. Coward, who gave me a D last monthly assesment, told me if I kept going the way I was going I'd get a U (unqualified, basically an F but worse). Initially that didn't annoy me either. I smiled at her. I think that pissed her off a little bit actually, it sort of looked like I don't care. I'm angry because I'm not reacting to it. Its not that I don't care. It just hasn't made me panic in any big way like it normally would. I'm a little bit frightened that if I don't react to it I won't change and that will happen. Where will I be if at the end of these next two years if I don't get into uni and my life is a complete mess? Essentially, where I would be if I'd stayed at ISKL. I can't help thinking that it's basically my destiny to fail. Perhaps thats a bit melodramatic, but there it is. Anyway, my plan was to take what Ms. Coward was saying with a pinch of salt and just fucking do it. Get on with it, and do better than I am doing. But my brain just switches off in her class because I'm bored, and my brain just switches off doing her homework because I'm bored. My brain sort of half-switches off in my other history class too, but the half that's there that's still working is sufficient enough that I can cope with what Ms. Hannah saying, process it, and produce homework that is half-way decent. But, even when I am sat in their classes with either half or my entire brain switched off, I seem to have moments of brilliance during discussions which show them that I'm highly capable and incredibly intelligent (their words, not mine). Its too late now to act stupid, but that's not the ponit. The point is that I'm thinking like that at all shows a major personality flaw that I can't seem to get rid off. An eye for short-term goals rather than long-term goals in my actions, but in my thoughts a complete obssessiveness over long-term goals or something to that effect. But then, that's not even true either. I try not to think about the future because it scares me, but I act (in all my other subjects, and in everything else thats happened at Gig so far) with long-term goals in mind. Like the fact that I want to go to uni even if I have no fucking clue what I want to do. At the moment, I can't help but feel like this is all pointless anyway, because no matter how 'successful' I am, I'll wind up feeling completely empty inside anyway. It doesn't help that my parents can't make their minds up over where they want my life to go. They have such a huge influence over me, undeniably, and my entire life is the big question, and they don't know, but they're disappointed when I make my mind up, as I have done many times, and they say things like 'you're more intelligent than that'. I can't please them, yet that's basically all I'm striving to do. All the time, is make them happy, maybe because deep down, I know I can't. I'll never live up to their expectations because my life is set for a whole different course of actions now, undefined by any role-models or guidelines because there aren't any. I get to live my life however I want now, I'm not tied down to society. But that's just it, isn't it? That's what they want, and all I want is for them to be happy with me because I know I'll never be happy. But the one thing they want, I can't change.

2. I can't remember what the 2nd thing was. Oh, now I remember... This one's got quite a lot of background to it though, so I'm going to have to go through all that first. My friend, Becky, one monday, was going to Oxygen, a Christian union, and asked me if I would like to come. I did. It was alright, I suppose... I was talking to the people in Settle I've been seeing for an ADD assessment, and we talked about everything, my entire history. My conflict with my sexuality and my previous faith. I forgot to tell them that my 'previous faith' was previous, and they assumed I was still Catholic. I let them continue to believe that was true. I started thinking about religion and God and my life thus far and came to the conclusion that my atheist beliefs may just be what they are because of my sexuality, and that would be a horrific reason to be an atheist. So, I went to Oxygen again, and I'm going next week, to explore this idea. (I told you this would happen... just saying, I did tell you it would happen.) So we were talking about it all, me and my other friend, Emily, and Emily told me, very kindly, that being gay wasn't a real thing, that God intended for us to be straight, and that I couldn't be Christian and gay. I'm not annoyed that she has these opinions, I knew she had them before the words even came out of her mouth. I just don't understand why she had to voice them. I have many opinions that I know would upset her and piss her off intensely but I don't voice them infront of her, because I know that would cause tension.

Last and final thing I want to say is that I went to the people in Settle, who are assessing me for ADD and they don't think I have ADD. Which I haven't reacted to... I think my general response to everything is either apathy or anger at the moment. I do think, however, that they think I have some sort of HFA (Higher-Functioning Autism), because they kept asking me about my interactions with people, my obssessions with certain things, like Harry Potter, and Batman, etc. and my musical ability and whether or not I am musically 'gifted'. So all these things to me, point to some sort of HFA, but they haven't said as much.

That's my rant for the week. :) Glad you enjoyed it, presume that you did.

Geraldine McKavanagh

Song for the Week(s):

Least Complicated by Indigo Girls (I know I've already had a song by them, but I like this song.):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gMAsej7M9Q