The music school wasn't open, so I wound up back at the library again, but I had to go back to house to go and get earphones. Anyway, here I am again.
The best time to write about all this stuff, is when you're incredibly pissed off at everything and nothing, which is exactly how I feel right now for no apparent reason. post-ms maybe? I don't know... I hate thinking about that kind of stuff, it just serves to remind you that all your emotions are just chemical reactions in your brain, which sucks in some ways, because it trivialises everything, but in other ways is really great, because for basically any emotion you're feeling there's a drug that will stop you from feeling that way. On the surface, that sounds really great, but it isn't. That right there, that's mostly why I wanted to stop taking medication. It made me feel numb, and it made me dull, and it depressed me, waking up everyday having to take my goddamn fucking medication every fucking morning.
Post-rant and onto the fucking point:
Two things have pissed me off (ignoring the fact that anger is a chemical reaction):
1. Parent conferences were yesterday, my parents weren't there (that didn't annoy me), I decided to go around anyway, to see how I was doing. 2 things happened. My English teacher Mrs. Farmer basically told me to piss off and that she didn't want to see me because she had 'a parent' waiting. I smiled at her. At the time it didn't piss me off, because its typical Mrs. Farmer. She thinks that she's high and mighty, and that she's done something great. But she does all these things and I know, she goes away from all that feeling completely empty. Mr. Granzow used to do stuff (and probably still does for all I know) like that. The difference is Mr. Granzow never meant it. Mrs. Farmer does, or maybe not, I don't know her as well as I got to know Mr. Granzow, but I probably will. Anyway... what actually annoyed me about parent-conferences, Ms. Coward, who gave me a D last monthly assesment, told me if I kept going the way I was going I'd get a U (unqualified, basically an F but worse). Initially that didn't annoy me either. I smiled at her. I think that pissed her off a little bit actually, it sort of looked like I don't care. I'm angry because I'm not reacting to it. Its not that I don't care. It just hasn't made me panic in any big way like it normally would. I'm a little bit frightened that if I don't react to it I won't change and that will happen. Where will I be if at the end of these next two years if I don't get into uni and my life is a complete mess? Essentially, where I would be if I'd stayed at ISKL. I can't help thinking that it's basically my destiny to fail. Perhaps thats a bit melodramatic, but there it is. Anyway, my plan was to take what Ms. Coward was saying with a pinch of salt and just fucking do it. Get on with it, and do better than I am doing. But my brain just switches off in her class because I'm bored, and my brain just switches off doing her homework because I'm bored. My brain sort of half-switches off in my other history class too, but the half that's there that's still working is sufficient enough that I can cope with what Ms. Hannah saying, process it, and produce homework that is half-way decent. But, even when I am sat in their classes with either half or my entire brain switched off, I seem to have moments of brilliance during discussions which show them that I'm highly capable and incredibly intelligent (their words, not mine). Its too late now to act stupid, but that's not the ponit. The point is that I'm thinking like that at all shows a major personality flaw that I can't seem to get rid off. An eye for short-term goals rather than long-term goals in my actions, but in my thoughts a complete obssessiveness over long-term goals or something to that effect. But then, that's not even true either. I try not to think about the future because it scares me, but I act (in all my other subjects, and in everything else thats happened at Gig so far) with long-term goals in mind. Like the fact that I want to go to uni even if I have no fucking clue what I want to do. At the moment, I can't help but feel like this is all pointless anyway, because no matter how 'successful' I am, I'll wind up feeling completely empty inside anyway. It doesn't help that my parents can't make their minds up over where they want my life to go. They have such a huge influence over me, undeniably, and my entire life is the big question, and they don't know, but they're disappointed when I make my mind up, as I have done many times, and they say things like 'you're more intelligent than that'. I can't please them, yet that's basically all I'm striving to do. All the time, is make them happy, maybe because deep down, I know I can't. I'll never live up to their expectations because my life is set for a whole different course of actions now, undefined by any role-models or guidelines because there aren't any. I get to live my life however I want now, I'm not tied down to society. But that's just it, isn't it? That's what they want, and all I want is for them to be happy with me because I know I'll never be happy. But the one thing they want, I can't change.
2. I can't remember what the 2nd thing was. Oh, now I remember... This one's got quite a lot of background to it though, so I'm going to have to go through all that first. My friend, Becky, one monday, was going to Oxygen, a Christian union, and asked me if I would like to come. I did. It was alright, I suppose... I was talking to the people in Settle I've been seeing for an ADD assessment, and we talked about everything, my entire history. My conflict with my sexuality and my previous faith. I forgot to tell them that my 'previous faith' was previous, and they assumed I was still Catholic. I let them continue to believe that was true. I started thinking about religion and God and my life thus far and came to the conclusion that my atheist beliefs may just be what they are because of my sexuality, and that would be a horrific reason to be an atheist. So, I went to Oxygen again, and I'm going next week, to explore this idea. (I told you this would happen... just saying, I did tell you it would happen.) So we were talking about it all, me and my other friend, Emily, and Emily told me, very kindly, that being gay wasn't a real thing, that God intended for us to be straight, and that I couldn't be Christian and gay. I'm not annoyed that she has these opinions, I knew she had them before the words even came out of her mouth. I just don't understand why she had to voice them. I have many opinions that I know would upset her and piss her off intensely but I don't voice them infront of her, because I know that would cause tension.
Last and final thing I want to say is that I went to the people in Settle, who are assessing me for ADD and they don't think I have ADD. Which I haven't reacted to... I think my general response to everything is either apathy or anger at the moment. I do think, however, that they think I have some sort of HFA (Higher-Functioning Autism), because they kept asking me about my interactions with people, my obssessions with certain things, like Harry Potter, and Batman, etc. and my musical ability and whether or not I am musically 'gifted'. So all these things to me, point to some sort of HFA, but they haven't said as much.
That's my rant for the week. :) Glad you enjoyed it, presume that you did.
Geraldine McKavanagh
Song for the Week(s):
Least Complicated by Indigo Girls (I know I've already had a song by them, but I like this song.):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gMAsej7M9Q
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